imma be

(finish this sentence 'i never thought i'd...')

i never thought i'd... be one of the girls that i always wanted to be.

it's a lovely, and stunning, realization, to realize i'm exactly where-and who- i want to be.

when i was in elementary school, high schoolers looked pretty old and cool. i couldn't fathom being one of them. i was sure my demise would occur mid-middle school years; perhaps a freak accident or some weird tragedy. oddly, i reached high school age, just like everybody else.

in high school, college age kids were just what i wanted to be: they were old enough to do what they wanted, and they were young enough to still be hip. i couldn't imagine ever really being one of those people, although i was dying to be one of them. again, i was positive my demise was eminent. fortunately, my future-telling skills had yet to be honed.

in college, young adulthood appeared impossible to reach: how was i, kaci lyn, ever going to have it possibly that together?! in my mind, i had now given up the idea that i'd meet my death early, and was now convinced i would, in fact, actually make it to young adulthood; i was just unsure about how successful i would really become. i secretly prayed my mother's spare bedroom would be large enough for my pseudo-adult belongings.

now, in adulthood, i'm planning and prepping my life for the next big change: marriage. two become one. i have found a man that actually knows me, better than i know myself sometimes, and he has chosen me to spend the rest of his life with. and i love him just as much. and now we're planning what i always thought was impossible: a life together, as one. moving into one house, decorating together, planning a wedding, taking of starting a family. it's here.

now, at the ripe ol' age of 30, i realize i've made it past all of the age markers i had anticipated, and am actually what the general population would call an 'adult'. i look around and see things in my life that surprise me, and i sometimes do a second, or third, look at what i've done, and who i've began to become.

i see little, every day things: i sit in a house, that i own, with a dog that i love and have taken care of for over six years. i meet with clients who appreciate me, i spend time with friends that love me, and i love on my fiance every day, and he returns the favor. i pay my bills on time, i buy my own groceries, i take care of myself, everyday.

looking at the bigger picture, i see some of what i've done in the past ten years: moved to LA and put myself through undergrad, graduated on the dean's list and as captain of the women's lacrosse team. i moved back home, by myself, and eventually found a job- a real one, where i have to wear heels and do my hair every day. i earned my master's degree in counseling, and opened my own home-based baking business that is so busy i have to bake in between my therapy clients and real, high-heeled job. i bought my first real car, ran 3 full marathons and a handful of half marathons, and won my age bracket in a 5k run a few times. i took my first trip abroad, alone, and then later traveled to africa to teach children how to sing sunday school songs.

on a deeper level, i've grown from a little girl into a woman: in high school, i was on the outskirts of the in-crowd, never fitting in or finding my place. in college, i realized i still felt out, even when i was 'in'. i began to use my sexuality, drugs and alcohol to find something i was missing: an identity. all i found was repetitive frat parties, an empty LA scene, and heartbreaking trouble. too many hangovers later, i found a man that loved me, and thought i found the answer. a few months later, i realized that no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't help me find myself. i left him, and  began a deep struggle with a darkness that led me into years of severe eating disorders, depression, cutting, and awakened the alcoholic within me. a few years later, i resurfaced, and started living life again. i went back to school, got a 'real' job, dated a few duds and got my heart broken. i kept going, and found people that loved me. i began to love myself, and give to others. i involved myself and stayed out of my own business, letting Him take care of things, big and small, along the way. i just kept going. and now, i'm here.

i've built up a private practice to reach out to those that struggle like i did (and do still, sometimes).  i estranged from my father and now have reconciled with him. i have built a network of real, true friends, and rely on my sisters as genuine support, not just every day family. i've become a 'yes' girl, saying yes to every opportunity once, and i've learned how to say 'no': no, i can't be everything to everyone at every time. i can just be me. and sometimes i need to be me alone, and sometimes being me means i'm not perfect. it's a fabulous freedom i wish i could grant every woman i know.

this is me- my story. i'm no longer this lost girl in a big world. i got clean, started eating and found this God that was there, waiting for me the whole time.

 when i was little, i wanted to be someone like me. i never thought i'd actually be the girl-excuse me, woman- that i always wanted to be.

remnants of love

(...a love two-fer!)

right now (at least for the sake of this post) there are two basic kinds of love in my life:  friendly/platonic love (some call it agape) that applies to not just my romantical relationship, but to friends and family too. the other kind (some call eros) is the deep, unconditional, head-over-heels, wholly emotional sort of love that i feel, specifically, to him. luckily this year, my valentine's day was a two-fer: i got to experience both eros and agape love in one single evening, with people near and dear to my heart. 

which just further fueled my fire of loving valentine's day so very, very much. 

the day started out great: i dropped a valentine off to my love, and then bought silly kid valentines for my coworkers, which i dropped secretly off at everyone's desk, with some candy and a little cutie to make the day special. i love giving secret fun things like that! then, later that evening, i got to meet up with my small group of women, at the local fro-you shop. i had bought everyone a journal, and asked each girl to bring a kind sentence or two about each of the group members. at the fro yo shop, we each got our own journal, and then passed them around, writing our kind words about each girl in their own personal journal. a few hours later, after lots of sweet treats (so yummy, the shop even had valentine flavored fro yo and toppings, and lots of heart decorations! a perfect choice for the evening of love), laughter and chatter, we parted ways. i left with my own journal full of sweet, kind words from 9 women that really know me and my heart. it really filled my heart to have such love surrounding me throughout the evening, and illustrated the true meaning of love and friendship. 

menchies: have a smiley day!

when i came home, my back door was blockaded by the most beautiful, tropical, amazing bouquet of flowers i'd ever received! a silly, pink carebear card attached let me know it was a hand delivered gift from my favorite valentine. i knew it was super special because we had just gotten off the phone and he was still at his office, downtown, which means that he came from his office to drop the flowers off, and then went all the way back (after 7pm) to work. i also noticed right away that the bouquet had two stems of Bells of Ireland, a flower we are so excited to have at our wedding. i thought it was a lovely coincidence, because honestly what guy a) knows what a Bell of Ireland is (i didn't even til we started wedding planning), and b) what guy knows what specific flowers are going to be at his wedding? answer: my man. cause he told me later that he went to the flower shop and picked the Bells of Ireland specifically, and asked for the bouquet to be made around them. um, hi. could i love him anymore?! i think not!! 

bells of ireland are the tall, green stems on either side

all in all, the day was amazing, and i was surrounded by love and friends. i could not have asked for a better valentine's day. i hope yours was equally as loving! 

i couldn't help but put two pictures up, i love them so much

The DD: designated driver or debbie downer?

(...today i'm possibly BOTH!)

as you may know from yesterday, i'm currently feeling a bit lost. overwhelm is probably the diagnosis, which feels like a foggy anxiety. i feel like i'm juggling too many balls at once and i have this feeling i'm about to drop not just one, but all of them, and it's all going to come crashing down around me. and even though it really is just simple overwhelm (nothing is wrong), the resulting feeling from that is tired and yucky. and in some cases (more often than i'd like to admit), grumpy.

and i hate, more than anything (even speedy windshield wipers on a lazy rainy day), to admit that i am tired and grumpy. not because i'm trying to hide it or deny it, not because i'm trying to get sympathy or make excuses. not because i'm afraid to admit i'm human and i can't do it all (although that is tough!).but those aren't the real reasons it's hard to tell my friends, my blog, and my self, that i'm tired.

the reality is: the reason i don't want to tell you, or anyone, that my life is beginning to drain and annoy me, is because it feels downright selfish.

and that, my friends, is the worst to admit: being selfish. worse yet, knowing i am being selfish (or at least, that my life overwhelm results in selfish thinking). sometimes i feel like i am functioning in a 21st century survival mode: just trying to survive to the next week, when there aren't so many meetings, appointments, friend dates, & to-do's on my calendar. not only does that feel bad (to be looking forward to the impending future & disregarding the present), but it does not leave me the energy to be my best: for my work, for my fiance, for my friends. and that feels horribly selfish and gross.

and in all honesty, they have just as much, if not more, going on than i do!! the kicker is, they aren't being as selfish as i am (or at least that i can see). when i am tired and overwhelmed like i am lately, i start to blame others. i start to nit-pick and pay attention to stupid stuff (for instance: using nonverbal cues and day-to-day, nuanced communication, i make up stories that my friends think i'm horrible & that people are getting tired of me). i stop thinking about what other people have going on (because hello, i do not live in a vacuum and neither do my friends), and then i stop paying attention to them, and start focusing on why their lives don't revolve around me, why they aren't sacrificing to help me. because in this stupid, 7% tired world, people should be thinking of all the things i am going through  (my logical brain, which doesn't speak sarcasm, just said, what?! your life is great! you're dumb).

the bottom line is: i feel this way (only 7% of the time, mind you), and i then feel horrible inside. i feel gross; i feel like i'm starting to recognize arrogance, detachment, lack of compassion. and i feel like a pompous jerkface. and who wants to feel that way?

i do not.

and that is why i am writing this: i am hoping that by admitting my selfish thoughts, desires, 'woe is me' attitude out loud, i will hold myself accountable for not being this way. i actually have no idea who, or how many, people read this, so it's not like i am asking you to hold me accountable. it's just going through the exercise of admitting, out loud (or at least in black and white), and owning those thoughts and behaviors, that i am hoping will help rock me back into a lesser percentile of overwhelm.

that being said, i also know that i cannot do anything on my own, and any struggle like this- one of pride, secrecy and self-pity- needs the help of Someone above. My Savior and God, that God incarnate Jesus I confess on a daily basis as my Lord... HE is the one who has saved me, and guess what? He already has saved me: his death, resurrection, and this whole 'grace' thing allow me to be me- tired or not.

so, i know part of my process of overcoming this overwhelm, this 'oh so sad is kaci's life' attitude, is partly a need to confess and own up to it. the other part (the harder part?): i have to open my hands and release the excess of life demands to Him. and this idea here displays one of my favorite ironies of God: when i want something to go my way, i hang on to it desperately, until my knuckles turn white, trying to gain control. and that never works- the tighter i hold, the more stressed out i get. however, if i just freely give my situations and life to the Lord, He will work everything out and He'll exercise better control than i could ever imagine. (think of the irony, and tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor!)

so now i wait, i suppose. see if this admittance to my attitude, and God's graceful hand, will calm my anxious, tired, drained self. let's see if i am more accountable for my thoughts and feelings throughout the day. let's see if i will actually release something to God, and let Him take it off my plate, out of His good graces and love.

and, because God is the God that can do anything, i'm placing my bets on His grace.

asymptomatic

doctor, doctor! 

i have some friends right now that are hurting. and not hurting like, 'oh, life is so hard, i was late to work and my boss is mad'. but legitimate hurting, like 'i just found out i have cancer' or 'i just lost a baby' or 'my grandmother has three months to live'. as a friend, it's hard to hear this stuff, and even harder to know what to say to love and support my nearest and dearests. 

i was listening to the radio last night, and they were talking about disease and sickness. the speaker pointed out that only know when something is wrong if it hurts: we go to the doctor when there is something 'weird' going on, or the pain is too much, or we know something is irregular with our body. it is the pain, or the feeling of unwell- the symptom of the sickness- that alerts us to what is wrong, and allows us to get what we need to heal. considering this idea, we can see that hurting is just a part of life; and, the hurting of a disease, or sickness (for the most part) doesn't last forever; typically it only lasts for a season. 

emotionally, i think it's the same thing. when we hurt, we know something is not right; something is amiss and needs fixing- whether it's a social, emotional or physical change, something's got to give in our emotional life to  make the pain or the hurt stop. and normally, it's this hurting symptom that triggers us to make these life-giving changes. 

the other thing to consider is that typically, when we hurt and then do something to change, we grow stronger. with a disease, they can treat you with antibiotics to make things go away: what does an antibiotic do? it kills the bacteria in our body, and allows our body to become stronger and heal. steroids (like prednisone, not crazy muscle juice) do essentially the same thing: they reduce bad reactions and increase good reactions in our body to enable it to grow stronger and heal better. but, in all cases, we get treated with medicine to help reduce the symptoms (hurting or dis-ease) and increase our body's own resilience and stamina. this can be similar to emotional pain and suffering, and i see it often in my office when i treat depressed, sad, or low functioning people: once they actually walk through the hurt and the pain, and come out on the other side, they are that much stronger for it. 

in essence, then, hurting (physically or emotionally), can be viewed as beneficial: it warns our body of what is amiss, and it can be the catalyst for building strength and resilience. and hurting only happens for a season: it does not last forever. it's not enjoyable, this hurting, and no one says we have to actually like the process of growth and change. but the reality is, the season of hurt we all (eventually) go through is a sign that things are working properly. think about what would happen if our body didn't hurt, and didn't tell us what was going on. for instance, think about the reaction we have to a hot stove: if our body didn't send the pain signal from the heat of a burner on our skin, we would leave our hand on it indefinitely, and there's no telling the damage that could be done. just google 'congenital insensitivity to pain', and it will pull up stories about how living without pain is hell. i for one will take the hurt life hands me gratefully, after hearing those stories. 

all of this is great to know, but it's not something i can hand to my friend who is mourning her baby and say, 'hey! sorry about that. but guess what? your pain is good! don't worry about it'.  i think the other piece of pain that we, as humans forget, is that sometimes we just have to meet other humans where they are- in their pain. and know, intrinsically, that it is good in the long run, but it's still suffering in the short run. we worry so much about what to say to comfort and console and erase the pain of our friends and loved ones, rather than just sitting with them and caring for them, saying things like, 'that must be horrible. i'm so sorry', or, 'wow. that is a painful thing you are going through'. 

the reality is, there are no magic words to heal an emotional wound. trust me, i would know if there was, and i would sell them to you in a heartbeat. instead,  i believe that there is nothing better than just meeting our friends where they are, in their pain, sitting with them, and giving them allowance for them to sit in their pain, with you. because, remembering what i said earlier, this pain is just a season. it won't last forever (like we've all said, 'this too shall pass') and soon it will be sunny again.

so to all my hurting friends: i love you. i'm so very sorry you're hurting and that life painful right now. i'm here for you, right in the middle of it, however you need me to be here, in the season of hurt. and i'll be here when it's sunny again. 

sepia day

...it's beginning to look a lot like christmas! 

last year the holiday spirit eluded me throughout the whole month of december. i remember coming home from my mom's house on christmas day and taking down all my decorations before the night was close to over; i wasn't bah-humbug as much as i was just indifferent, possibly even just 'over' the whole thing. 

this year, though, is a different story. i've been listening to christmas music, the weather is cold and snowy, and my living room is just bursting at the seams with gifts and tags and half made crafts. i am LOVING it! today i got to deliver meals on wheels to my favorite old folks at windsor gardens, in the cold and snowy weather. it was fabulous, little phyllis invited me in to meet her grandkids, show me their christmas tree cookie project, and offer me gingerbread. how great is that?! and i spent sunday morning at christmas brunch with his family, and sat and sun doing shopping and wrapping galore. it was a very merry christmasy weekend, and i am so grateful for it- especially since this year is tough for everyone i know, and. i was expecting it to be a sort of grinchy christmas.

i am beyond excited that everyone is in the christmas mood, including me! i just love, love, love christmas time- the holiday parties, treats, shopping is all so great, and merry and festive and loving- (i really wonder why can't we be this nice and giving every month...) but i really love the true meaning of christmas: every year the advent season at church, and in my own heart, just leaves me breathless, thinking of all the amazing things my God has done for me and my loved ones, and everyone else. what a beautiful gift we have at our fingertips. 

here are a few pics that capture the warm and fuzzy feelings i've been having as of late... 

the 'reindeer training camp' outside a building at windsor gardens. so clever!

a tea light decoration at a dear friends house- how crafty! 

a blur of lights. it's indistinguishable but lovely! 

and then there were none...

(...days left to hawaii: 0)

guess what tomorrow is? (well, technically, today, since it's already past midnight...)

can't guess? let me help: it's zero days until vacation starts. zero days until our flight takes off from denver, to los angeles, then to hilo, ha. why. eee. zero days until i start a nine day adventure vacation with my best friend to an island paradise.

in case you can't tell, it's pretty exciting around here. but don't worry, it's not all fun and games. with a beachy vacation in the middle of snowy october, there comes preparation. i've been busy working out, spray tanning, saying no to candy, and getting pedicures. you know, all the important things that have to be taken care of before leaving.

i've also been busy trying to get a private practice off the ground, keep up at my other, (almost) full time job, and trying to nurse a sick dog back to gastrointestinal health. and did i mention im lead a women's small group bible study with the best women out there? it's true. and it's also busy.

vacation is a foreign, yet oh so welcome, word in my vocabulary right now. i don't remember the last true, get away on a plane vacation i've been on. of course, the last few years have been sprinkled with visits here, road trips there, quick weekends away... all of which were fun and AMAZING. but really, the last time i packed only sundresses, flip flops and sunscreen and put on an extended absence greeting on my voicemail? it's been so long i can't remember.

i am looking forward to all the adventures we have brainstormed: hiking a trail to catch the sunrise in waipio valley, horseback riding, snorkeling, spelunking through underground lava tubes, night hikes to see flowing lava, and a blow hole in maui. and three days of resort-y, beachy, relaxing time. and, since we'll be there on halloween, and mark is obsessed with zombies, i even packed surprise zombie costumes for us to wear as we catch our flight from hawaii to maui and drive down the coast on the hana highway (don't worry, hawaiian zombie pictures to come!)


the best part, though, of this whole vacation, is my travel partner, and that we are actually doing this. in reality, we planned this trip about six months ago, when we were just still getting to really know each other. we optimistically made plans for this big trip, promising each other that we wouldn't let the trip keep us together if we started going our separate ways. the amazing thing is, in these last six months, i've almost forgotten we had planned this trip because i was too busy falling in love with him to think about it. now, it's six months later, i'm more in love than ever, and it almost feels like a surprise, like a giant gift for us to go away and spend nine days with just each other... and adventure!

oh, and my hawaiian painted toes and my spray tanned self.

i cannot wait! pics and updates to come!

aloha!!




ps i hope, above many of my other hopes, that once i return from vacation, i will be a more regular blogger. i miss it mucho.

the great Provider.

(...how a three cent profit gets me through)

so i'm a therapist. which is great for me cause i don't have to do (much) math, or real "technically skilled" work... i just get to hone in on the art of listening, empathy, compassion, etc. and read up on psychology studies. not that therapists can't be great at math (i'm sure there are lots who are) but one of the selling points of my career is no math. 

so you can imagine, with no penchant for math, budgets and money planning are not my forte. in fact, they are the bane of my existence to put it gently. and now, with a new array of overhead costs and budgetary needs for starting a new business, i'm not only doing a lot of math to figure out how to make it work, but my math just doesn't add up. and i'm nervous about math that doesn't add up, especially when that math is my monthly budget. when i look at my finances, i'm annie from bridesmaids in an airplane, saying, "help me, i'm poooooor". 

the thing is, though, is that i have Someone bigger on my side. in fact, this Someone bigger has called me to be doing exactly what i am doing: living on faith, opening this business, at this time. really, my plan was to not leave the church and start the private practice until i had a little more financial stability (perhaps dual income, more in savings, something like that) because i know that realistically, businesses (of all kinds, even therapy) take a year (or maybe even two!) to really start thriving. and right now, this does not seem to be the time to take a financial risk. 

however, God has made it abundantly clear that it's time: time to take the risk to get out there, and more importantly, time to learn to trust that He will be my Jehovah Jireh- my provider. i question this, by nature, because it doesn't make sense. however, God keeps showing me that i have to rely on HIM to make it work.... 

in my little mind, i come up with "good"  ideas or solutions that seem like they will solve the money issue. getting a roommate,  getting another job, working harder at this or cutting back here... all those things make sense in the worldly idea of saving or even making some more money. however, they have yet, in the past six months, panned out once. i firmly believe God is keeping me faithful to Him by not providing a way out through these conventional ideas; rather, somehow miraculously making ends meet each month by divine math- err, i mean, intervention. 

my favorite example came last week: on wednesday, i got two pieces of mail in one day. one, a notice that i had a ding on my credit report, and the other, a measley $5.96 check from an overpaid, closed out credit card. i essentially ignored this check, and concentrated on my credit report. i have been diligent about all of my bills, so i was confused as to where this could have come from. the next day, i called to investigate. long (ridiculous) story short, a credit card i had paid off added a few bucks in interest after the balance was paid, and that few bucks snowballed over three months into a huge sum of money comprised of late fees and interest on late fees. not only did this make me mad, but it scared me: if i couldn't get this taken care of, i did not have any expendable cash just lying around, waiting to be spent on ridiculous things like late fees. this would upset the whole month's budget!

thanks to him, i'm more confident in negotiating, so i fought the good fight, and told the credit card company i would gladly, happily, with bells on, pay the few dollars in interest they originally charged. i held fast that i would not, under any circumstances, pay their late fees, nor would i accept that this would affect my credit. they had to fix it, now. and, i did it nicely, i know, cause it didn't take much convincing, frustration, call transfers or anything. in fact, ten minutes into the call, i was paying the few dollars off and getting confirmation that the late fee, and credit report ding, would be removed by my next statement.

and guess how much i had to pay to take care of this whole shenanigan? $5.93. that's right, 3 cents less than i $5.96 check in the mail. i actually made a (minuscule) profit on the whole thing. and if that's not God- looking out for me and showing me His ultimate provision, i don't know what is.

living water

(...sometimes i forget how thirsty i am)

lately i've been a tad bit overwhelmed, to say the least. life is throwing me some big stuff, and i'm choosing to play rather than sit out, and to be honest, it's downright scary. in my heart of hearts, i know things will work out on all accounts: what 'work out' means, though, i'm not sure. i have my worldly idea of what i'd like it to work out like, but i also know i've had a lot of ideas in the past that then, seemed great, but now in hindsight i can see were not the best plans for me. the greatest news of all, and the most comforting news, is that i live under the shadow of the Lord who does know exactly what will work out for me for the best. so, i have a peace knowing that i am not flying 100% solo out here, in life and love, and that at the end of the day, my heart is well tended by my One true love.

that said, life is still scaring the pants off me.

miss l and i were talking yesterday, about God and the Spirit, and she touched on the idea of knowing when something was missing in her life; she referenced the idea of being thirsty, of just knowing that she needed or craved something which, without, her body wouldn't survive. this reminded me a lot of my current struggle, which is to not give in to my worldly fears, but to rest in the eternal glory that is the plan of the Lord.

and it reminded me of water.

as you may know, i'm going to hawaii in just a few short weeks (like, 38 days to be exact). of course, i'm going to be in a swimsuit for those 9 days there, so i'm doing my best to watch what i eat, and do all that typical, pre-vacation diety stuff. part of that includes upping my water intake, by like, a LOT. (in reality, this is just a good, healthy habit i'm trying to start, but the trip is a good excuse).

now, this is how this whole 'water' thing works for me: in the morning, i want coffee. not for caffeine, but for taste (i'm a decaf girl). i like two cups, and i like it with cream, no sugar. and if i had my way, i'd like a diet soda at lunch, and other fun drinks throughout the day. however, i know that my body gets absolutely zero nourishment (and lots of calories!) from these other fun drinks, and while they temporarily satisfy me, i know my body functions very, very well when i feed it what it really needs: water. my stomach feels better, my skin looks better, i have better energy, it's just an all around good feeling (i know this, ps, cause i've been a good water drinker for the past two weeks!).

however, to be candid, sometimes drinking water is just a pain. at work, i have to go downstairs to get filtered water. i fill it with ice, which then makes it super cold and harder to drink. cold water makes me cold, and hot coffee makes me warm. and without ice, it's sort of lukewarm and boring. water has no taste and is sort of boring; and, i drink water like i do life (go big or go home), so i tend to chug a ton of it at a time... and that makes my stomach hurt. also, when i drink, i am cognizant of how much water i'm having, so i'm always counting and comparing. and actually, i've found that the more water i drink, the thirstier i get. so you see, it really is a pain.

this is a direct, not-so-obscure metaphor for how i feel about spending time in my relationship with God. sometimes, really, being in a relationship with Him... well, feels like just a pain. i don't always want to spend time reading my Bible or praying or studying or whatever- sometimes playing or working out or talking with friends or being busy or doing anything but God stuff feels better... for the time being. sometimes it feels like i have to do a lot of work to put into a relationship with God. it's easier to just take what's there instead of putting in time and energy and investment.

however, similar to how i could not be sustained by diet soda and coffee for more than a day or so, i could not be sustained without a God relationship. i could probably make it a day or two drinking anything but water... but i'd start to feel gross: undernourished, thirsty, without zest for life. i'd struggle. and that's exactly what happens when i don't take time to pour some God in my life: i can hang on my own a few days, but then, oooooh but then... life gets hard! unmanageable. un-doable. scary. lonely. boring.  if i don't take the time to get up, invest in some God time, then i feel horrible, moody, overwhelmed and paralyzed by life. God is my (relational) water.

his Word says this too, by the way, calling Him the Living Water... (which, by the way, i didn't remember until i started writing this post- isn't that a fun 'coincidence?). without any Living Water, i will surely shrivel up and die. and similar to my drinking patterns now, if i start in and chug some Living Water, i realize how thirsty i really am, and crave it more and more. it's funny- and sustaining- how that works....

so now, i've been drinking a lot more water- both still and Living. it's been pretty amazing, and i'm feeling better. life feels easier, physically, and calmer, emotionally. i have a peace that i can't explain, even when the realities of my life may or may not add up to something peaceful.

moral of the story: if you're thirsty, drink up. it won't disappoint.

salt lake pride for thought...

(my uncle, who is amazing)

friends,

i pass this article on to you with love. my dearest uncle wrote it, and it touched me to my soul. i have heard his story through our family grapevine- mostly stories of his fun, crazy times, sprinkled with a few glossed-over, sad-to-hear snippets. in reality, i have never heard him tell his own story. it's with pride and love that i pass on this article of his triumph.

click here to read darin's story

love,

kaci

the covenant

(colorful reflections)

he and i are doing a bible reading plan together, called the essential 100 (a plan of 100 passages of the bible that explain the fundamentals of christian history/beliefs). lately, we've been in genesis (we just started, can you tell?), and last week we talked about the flood. specifically, our reading led to questioning why God would want to wipe the whole human race (minus the Noah's) off the face of the planet and just start over. we discussed free will, and God's omnipotence; essentially, if he knows everything, then wouldn't he know that humans would be evil, and he would have to flood them out? why would he still create us if he knew that? and other questions, like how long did it take noah to actually build the ark?? (about 100 years, at absolute most, according to Gen 5-6).

i really like trying to figure this stuff out, especially with someone else on my side, and helping me think of things i haven't thought of before. one thing that we didn't really discuss, but he asked was: 'why does the essential 100 reading plan leave out the story of the rainbow, where God gives Noah the rainbow as a sign, or covenant, of His promise to never flood the earth again?' this was a good question to me, especially because the story of the flood and the rainbow is one of my earliest memories of sunday school, and the first experience i had of really knowing that God is good. as a kid, i couldn't see or feel God, but i could see a rainbow, and knowing who put it there was comforting to my soul. however, as i've grown older, i haven't given much thought to, or maybe just have taken for granted, rainbows after a rainstorm. especially since my 29 year old brain now understands how and why they appear. so, when he asked this question, my first response was, 'well, the rainbow is not essential to our beliefs as christians. we don't need to know about the covenant to believe in God, or Jesus, or the whole Gospel story. it's a great story, yes, and beautiful, and good to know, but not essential."

it's been raining like crazy here. the afternoon thunderstorms in colorado are the very best... about two or three o'clock on a hot, summer day, the dark, threatening clouds roll in, the thunder booms and the rain unleashes in torrents. it usually lasts just about twenty minutes or so, then passes, and the sun comes out, just like nothing ever happened. it's a beautiful thing, really, and everyone i know loves this part of summer.

i got caught in one of these storms the other day, driving home. after the storm past, while i was driving through the sunny, wet roads, i looked behind me via my passenger mirror. i caught a glimpse of something beautiful:

it was the brightest rainbow i'd ever seen, and it was amazing to see it in the reflection of my mirror... (cell phone pics don't do it justice). essentially, it was a reflection (the mirror) of a reflection (the rainbow).

a few minutes later, i saw the same rainbow, but from a different angle and caught a glimpse of it's shadowy counterpart, the double rainbow (all.the.way):

again, it was the brightest rainbow(s) i'd ever seen from my car, the rainbow started on the right (this picture), stretched across the sky, and ended on my left. it was one of those rare times i could see the whole, vast enormity of the whole rainbow, stretching across the sky and over the dark storm clouds, end to end. it was amazing.

and it got me thinking about the conversation he and i had just had, about the covenant of the rainbow, and how this beatuiful, natural sign is God's way of saying, 'hi. don't worry, i didn't forget you! you know that storm that was a little scary, the one that flooded the streets til the water hit your jeeps headlights just now? don't worry; i'll never let that storm win- although i could let it win, i won't.  although you may be sinful and not perfect on the inside, i will never forget, nor destroy you. don't forget me, as i won't forget you'.

those words, that reminder: i could use that every day. every, single, day. but it comes out rarely- just enough to remind me. just enough to fill my heart with gratitude and humility and love, for My Creator... who knows and loves me and will never, ever forget me.

and that makes me reconsider his question: why isn't the rainbow part of the essential 100?

power of prayer

(when in doubt, pray)

the last few weeks have been emotionally crazy, as i alluded to earlier. it was a lot of hard, hard decisions, mostly around whether or not to put my lil' myla moo to sleep for biting a child. it was one of the hardest decision i think i've ever had to make, and i spent almost one whole week wrapping my head around it. he helped me a lot, and talking with others helped too. part of the decision was based on what was best for my lil' hyper-dominant, tasmanian devil of a dog. the other part, sadly, was based on a lot of legal things: essentially, what made me "look" the best, and most responsible as a dog owner. we have heard from the family of the kid she bit, and while they are relatively nice and seemingly easy-going, there is still the unknown factor of what they are going to do, if anything, legally. the other part is that he got the ticket for the bite, meaning he has a court date in august, and could faces up to $1k in fines and/or one year in jail. !!!! obviously, that's the maximum penalty for horrible incidents like vicious pit bulls attacking children on command, and this was so not that, but... it is important for us to be aware of what can happen. and what (legally) looks like the most responsible thing to do.

so, about a week before the actual day of her release from quarantine, my little head finally got ok with the decision to put her down. i then spent that week really laying the foundation and plan of really how to do it (surprisingly {thank goodness}, it's extra hard to actually euthanize a healthy, young, albeit bitey, dog). i can't count the hours i spent on the phone with animal control fighting about vaccinations, licenses and euthanizing, and absurd things they were asking me to do (essentially, i was going to vaccinate, license and euthanize her in the same afternoon, because it was that much cheaper. they refused to accept proof of euthanasia instead of proof of current vaccination/license). nor can i count the hours i spent crying, imagining my poor girl prancing into the vet, unassumingly walking right into her last moments of life, with me holding the leash, leading the way.

needless to say, it was two very tough, hard to understand weeks here in my life.

and, did i mention i was dying of a sinus infection? cause i was.

the bittersweet day of her release from quarantine/final vet visit arrived, and i picked my lil' girl up, all smiles and wiggles, excited to see me and ecstatic i didn't forget her. finishing the paperwork, i went through stupid, stupid exercises of absurdity, yet again, with the animal control people (and i quote: "i'm sorry. we don't vaccinate on tuesdays"). aftewards, unkonwing myla jumped in the car, happy and carefree to be released from her doggy jail cell. she and i took our last car ride home, then took our last walk with jola, cuddled for the last time on the couch, and we waited for miss l and mama to show up for the final vet visit.

meanwhile, he had to go to korea on business, so i was without him when i really, really needed him. great thing is, he's amazing, and he sent me a dozen roses and a touching card to let me know he was there with me, in spirit. the harpers also stopped by to wish us well and good thoughts, and brought a bouquet of fresh cut, home grown flowers, and even m & j stopped by with a sweet card and thoughtful gift to wish us well and say goodbye. as the sun sank low through the late afternoon, miss l, mom and i sat in the darkening living room and spoke of surfacey, small talk things that kept our minds away from the upcoming event.

eventually, it was time. i couldn't take it anymore... so away we went: miss l, mama, myla and i in the jeep. we drove the few short miles to the vet, and just as i had imagined, myla bounded through the glass doors, standing eagerly at the front desk. the girl sitting there asked, 'what can i help you with?' and it was the hardest question i've had to answer.... 'i'm here to euthanize her', i said guiltly. 

a few minutes later, the four of us sat in the 'comfort room' in the back of the building, awaiting a vet. we all took turns petting lil' myla, and while she had no idea what was going on, she somehow knew to make the rounds of us, and got a little bit of love from each of us.

weirdly, as we were walking in, i jokingly told mom and miss l that, knowing the way things had gone so far, i felt like they were not going to let me do it, and that we'd actually not have to go through with the whole thing. little did i know...

a few minutes later the vet entered, and gratefully, it was the young vet from a few months ago, when myla got hit by the cars/bus. we chatted a bit, i explained the whole situation, and {insert sounding angels and kazoos here} she told me there was another option, and she didn't feel comfortable putting miss myla to sleep.

praise.
praise.
praise.

i did have some concerns about the other option and what we could/should do legally and ethically, and she gave us time to talk, while she went to fetch her mentor, the famed dr. fitzgerald of animal planet and beyond. dr. fitzgerald entered a few minutes later, and essentially agreed with the young vet, after assessing myla with his eyes (yes, he just looked her up and down a few times and told me, essentially, her whole life story. he's amazing). he looked like a muppet and had a low voice and dry sense of humor (in the 'comfort room', of all places) so i was a bit weary. but, after he left and mom and miss l swooned a little (really just told me he was famous) and we chatted a bit more, i was comfortable with the decision.

myla lives.

it was funny, we left pretty quickly after that, and both mom and miss l shared that they too felt like this was not the answer, and they had been praying that God would provide a way out. i reiterated the feeling i had that it wasn't really going to happen, even after we had arrived at the vet and went to the back room...i think even miss myla knew... look at this smile, straight from the 'comfort room':

i texted a few (lots, really) of my concerned friends, and most texted back that they had been praying this would happen, and what a miracle! later my women's small group (who had been praying/meeting togetherthat very night while we were at the vet) told me it felt like a abraham/isaac moment when they got the text about myla living. i have heard since then, from almost everyone, that her spared life was an answer to their prayer.

which means, if i count right, i had maybe like... twenty or so people praying, all the same day, all for the same thing.

and everyone's prayer was answered.

ah.
maze.
ing.

the fact is: the option they provided (a behavioral department at the longmont humane society) was not one i had necessarily explored, but not one i would have known about otherwise. up until tuesday, The Day, i had exhausted every possibility i knew, and had asked everyone i knew (including lawyers and other such informed, important people) what to do. and all signs pointed at euthanizing. every, single, one.

the amazing thing to me in the story, really, is not that myla lives (of COURSE that's the best part, duh) but the most amazing part is that i am confident, i know... this option would not have come to light if there had not been so much darn prayer about it. no matter what, i am sure that things would have worked out for the best, even if miss myla had met her ending at alameda east. but the raddest thing is that because of God's grace, my little myla lives and gets a second chance!

so now, the emotional roller coaster is slowing to a stop and the dust is settling. the day after the fateful vet visit, i took mymy up to the longmont humane society and said goodbye to her for good. it was sad and hard to walk out the doors with just her leash and her collar, but it was less sad than walking out with the guilt of her death on my mind.

and, the silver lining is that she has already been 'rehabbed' and is now up for adoption! anyone looking for a 'unique girl with a happy, wiggly personality' should go visit the longmont humane society. if you adopt her, i promise to be a great aunt... and split the adoption fee ;)

sometimes you feel like a nut...

(...sometimes you don't)

so  if you've been paying attention at all, my blogs are all dated every single day. however, the reality is, even though the pictures may be taken every day, the blogs sometimes get written all in a big chunk, and then posted accordingly. the reason for this piece of trickery strategery is to help me out with my busy work/life balance...

lately, if you've noticed, it's been a little out of whack... this whole balance thing. that, plus i've started juggling something more: a big, fat ball of low-grade depression. awesome, right? makes getting out of bed when i'm tired just that much harder (if that's possible).

that said, i've decided i'm in training. i'm in a stage of life where i can finally see the end of the career tunnel- or at least a large, sharp bend towards a new direction. right now, i'm balancing a full time job i don't love to set myself up for the future so i can do the job i love, full time. and finally, after counting up lots of my hours, i've been able to put a optimistic end to the planning, and can somewhat see where, in the nearish future, things may be a-changin. and i'm ever so grateful. and a slight bit baffled to see the light!

things i've appreciated about this journey so far: i've had to realize a lot of my short comings, and realize i'm actually (surprise surprise) fallible! i've had to actually sit down with multiple bosses and tell them what i can, and cannot do. i've had to tell them what i do, and do not want. i've had to risk a lot of things, including my full-time pay and job security. i've had to take initiative and start doing things without being held accountable... i've had to realize my limits, and also realize that i am, in fact, a professional- which was harder to grasp than the fact that i have limits. and, the biggest, and most awesome, rewarding lesson: how God provides.

in this journey, i have offered up financial and employment security when it hasn't made sense- at least to me. i just followed the leading in my heart, and took a few scary leaps of faith. and today, i'm blessed to have two amazing jobs that provide finanically and otherwise: i have amazing coworkers, support, opporutnity to grow, flexibility, and THREE DESKS. what more could i want, really?

and i'm still in training. i wonder what happens when i graduate??

oh the things you can think

(...when you think about seuss...)

i went to "seussical the musical" last night at a local middle school, to support a relative of mine, miss d. she's an amazing middle school gal, that i am secretly obsessed with because a) she's somehow related to me via mom's marriage (i think she's a second cousin?) and b) she reminds me (and my mom) of myself when i was little. she invited me to her musical via facebook, and since ol' fb is so good at reminders for social events, i couldn't help but remember the event every time i logged in. to be honest, i was pretty honored she invited me, and i didn't think twice about going. (plus i love her mom, so sitting with her during the play would be even more fun). 

the seusssical was lovely.... lots of awkward preteens singing nonsensical words and opening night mishaps and silly plots and great, creative costumes. i personally was impressed with the sour kangaroo character's voice (american idol season 15, perhaps?) and the ad libbing skills of horton the elephant ('i guess i'm going to the circus.... i said, i guess i'm going to the circus.... [jumps off prop and pushes it himself] i guess i'll take myself there!). i was also, of course, proud as punch at miss d, who played the most adorable Who, and had the best Who-Hair i'd ever seen on any real live person. 

and, if i'm being honest, the evening also brought up a bit of nostalgia and longing for me... watching awkward, adorable kids and their parents and being in a school building named after a horse, sitting in little folding chairs in the middle of the suburbs, well. it got my heart going a bit. now, i'm not a huge one to make plans, or get excited about things that i'm not sure are or are not going to happen. in fact, as i get older, i think i become a titch more cynical and even less nostalgic than normal. however, watching the kiddos do their thing, and just have fun and take simple pleasures in their seussicalling and proud parents, well. like i said, it got my heart going. 

so thank you, miss d and fam-that-i-am-somehow-step-related-to, for inviting me in to be a part of your adorable family for the evening. thank you for the honor of inviting me, and thank you for the ticket and letting me share in your family fun and allowing me to escape the reality of single adulthood by hiding out at the local suburban middle school to watch Whos and Wickershams and Gertrude and Horton. oh the things i can think, when i think about seuss... 

could have been worse.

so my lil' myla brinks  got hit by a car last night.

correction: she chased a bus, then got under the moving bus and then two moving cars, and was hit by all three. luckily, she wasn't run over, just hit. it was the most traumatic thing i've ever seen. i couldn't tell you what specifically happened- meaning the order in which she got hit or what it looked like. partly because i literally covered my eyes, and partly because i think i've blocked it out of my brain, and partly because it happened so fast.

not to worry you- myla brinks, the super dog made of rubber- she's fine. seriously, she has a small (smaller than a dime) abrasion on her head, a little red in the white of her left eye (which is better today than last night) and some soreness. possibly bruised lungs, but that didn't even show up on the xray. other than that, my lil' girl has nothing wrong with her: nothing broken, no internal bleeding, no brain damage or head trauma.

we were going for a quick walk, before i was going to make dinner for friends. it was frigid cold (4 degrees, i had just checked) and we had just crossed the street to the open space where i let them offleash. 9 times out of 10, they run directly up the hill on the right, and head directly into rabbit-and-new-smells-land.... last night was the 1 time out of 10 that there was a bus coming behind me on the left, and when i let myla offleash and the bus zoomed past us, instead of running right, lil myla ran left, chasing the huge 30,000 pound RTD bus, getting underneath it's wheels. then all i know is that she was on one side of it, then the other. i remember seeing a red car slam on it's brakes, and thinking, 'i can't believe they didn't stop after they hit a dog!' so they must have hit her. i remember not hearing her while she was under the bus, and then hearing her yelp while she was under the white car, which also kept going. the car behind the white car, with bright headlights, stopped while myla, in pain and shock, ran around in circles through the street and sidewalk, not stopping for one second for me to get her. poor jola was running around too, somehow avoiding all cars.

eventually (probably only like 30 seconds after the white car hit her), the three of us ended up on the other side of the street, and myla stopped long enough for me to pick her up, and leash up jola. myla wouldn't make eye contact with me, and her ears were laying straight back on her head, which is very unusual for her (it makes her look like a bat, which is very unbecoming). she was obviously freaked out, and somehow i think jola knew that too, because they were both extremely cooperative.

it was still 4 degrees, which is seriously cold.

i picked myla up, not seeing any blood or brokenness, and hugged her to my chest. jola walked with me on the left side, and we started our 15 minute journey home. i had no idea what to think, and surprisingly, was void of any emotion. i had seen jola get hit before, and had seen myla run through traffic, both of which gave me that shot of adrenaline through my legs that left me shaking for minutes. this time i felt calm, possibly in shock, and kept repeating to myla that things were going to be just fine, just fine.

my biceps were sore by the time we got home, and the reality of it all was starting to set in a little. myla was not responding to my voice at all, and seemed to not be hearing anything that was going on around her. she was unusually calm in my arms, a 25 pound dead weight shivering against my body. her fur was matted and wet in random places, and she smelled like oily, old tires and leaking fluids.

during the walk home, i had tried to call the dog friends i knew, to see what 24 hour vet they would recommend. three calls, three voicemails. i left no messages, and waited until we got home to call a local vet (we are inbetween vets right now, of course). the vet on the phone recommended the close, fancy 24hr vet ER i had been trying to avoid (alameda east, which is on some animal planet reality show),and told me that her lack of response in noises could be a sign of a concussion and brain damage. it was then that the tears hit my eyes, but i didn't let them fall.

mys and i got in the car, drove the short ten minutes to the ER, and we were admitted immediately. i felt like the worst person in the world trying to explain to them how she got hit ("well, vet, i took her off her leash. like every irresponsible dog mom would"). they took her in the back, then took me through a sea of rooms and sat me down, alone and out of the way. 'you have to stay in this room, alone. we need you to be in a room, for privacy. so the vet can talk to you in private'.

pan.
ic.

various thoughts that ran through my head at this point: 'what? you've not even seen her. is she dying? how do you know she's dying? is she bleeding internally and how can you fix that? alone? why do i have to be alond and not in a waiting room? you don't know what's even wrong with her! i am the worst dog mom ever. ever. the worst! oh my gosh. i don't have any money. this is going to cost me a million dollars. what do i do? alone? is she dying??'

thanks to you, alameda east, you calmed my fears in about five minutes. the vet came in and talked to me, told me the results of her exam and that she had nothing major to worry about at this point. she was going to do a few tests (blood pressure, chest xrays, ultrasound and bloodwork for glucose levels) but she was stable. and lucky.

the rest of the night went fast... i went home to shower and get the smell of oily tires off of me and my coat. i went back after i got dressed, and waited. i ran my phone out of battery by texting my friends and family. then myla walking came out, good as new. or as good as you can be, being a 25 pound dog that just played monkey in the middle of traffic on a snowy road. she was panting and drooling, and loopy (all a result of her pain meds) but she was ok.

today i am full, FULL, of praise. yesterday was a day of blessings: i woke up late and when i called my boss to tell her, she laughed and said no big deal. and she meant it. my accountant called and told me that not only did i not have to pay taxes this year, i was actually getting a substantial refund- which i think, by no coincidence, is enough to pay my accountant and the vet bill and break even. myla had an unfortuante accident, but she was ab.so.lute.ly fine, and will be back to normal (crazy) in a week or so. and i am blessed.

it could have been better, sure: i could have woken up on time, i could have kept my tax refund and had money to sod the backyard, and i could have not let her offleash. but it could have been worse- ooooooh so much worse. but it wasn't, cause i am blessed. beyond belief.

more concerned with our holiness, not our happiness.

(...inspiration that's stuck with me a few days)

Take time to be holy. The word 'holy' does not mean 'goody-goody', it means 'set apart for sacred use'. That is what these quiet moments in My Presence are accomplishing within you. As you focus your mind and heart on Me, you are being transformed: re-created into the one I designed you to be. This process requires blocks of time set aside for communion with Me.

The benefits of this practice are limitless. Emotional and physical healing are enhanced by your soaking in the Light of My Presence. You experience a nearness to Me that strengthens your faith and fills you with Peace. You open yourself up to receive the many blessings that I have prepared for you. You become a cleansed temple of my Holy Spirit, who is able to do in and throuh you immeasurably more than you ask or imagine. These are just some of the benefits of being stillin My Presence.

ten pots worthy

my favorite find of the day.

this made me think. who do i love ten pots worth? more importantly, do i love anyone enough to fill ten pots?? that's a lot of pots.

the answer is yes. yes, i love a lot of people enough to fill ten pots worth. i would say people like my mom, my dad, my sisters, my stepdad, my stepmom, my stepsiblings. i'd add in my friends, people like michelle and courtney and lia. i'd say the girls in my small groups, then and now. and the people i do church with. i'd add in my coworkers, although not everyone gets ten pots worth of love, to be honest (but most would). i'd even add in some boys i've dated... not like ten pots of romantic love, but the kind of love that means i will always care deeply for them because they meant so much to my life.

i like thinking about all those in my life that i love that much. Like chicken noodle soup on a cold day or a hot decaf soy latte on a drive in to work, it really warms my soul to think of all whom i love. but even more warming is to think about all of those in my life that love me back that much. and i know there are so many that do. and that humbles me every. single. time. i think of it.

i think of it on tuesday nights, when my small group fills my house with talk and laughter and tears. i think of it when i get to go pick people up from the airport or spot them for tickets to a concert they want to join in on. i think of it when they fill my house for a house warming party, or surprise me with a birthday party and cake. i think of it when they send me handmade cards or handwritten letters in the mail, or when they comment on my facebook page. i feel it when they come to my marathons (nothing is more boring than being a cheerleader for a runner, i know) and when they hang out with me after the gym, when i'm sweaty. i think of it when my friends encourage me, and when they call me out. i think of it when i remember the painful break up that still haunts my dreams, and when the butterfly-y twitterpation of a new relationship tickles my stomach. most of all i think of it every day when i think of the Savior in my life that has loved me thorugh all of the above- and more. much (uglier) more. in short, i am humbled by love, every single day.

there's a girl in my small group who tells us all the time just how much she loves people-loves them! and it's easy to see that she does... she's a lover of all, even when she's hurting. i hope that i can be that way too, because i love it when my friends love me the way they do.

and i hope that when i am a mommy, my children will love me at LEAST ten pots worth.

you anchor me down

today on the way to work, i was listening to 'mornings with brant', my favorite radio morning show. brant was discussing the miracle of the miner rescue, and how powerful it was. He mentioned the parallel between their rescue and the rescue Jesus offers us: one metaphorical and the other a literal rescue out of a dark hole. i haven't been paying much attention to the miner rescue, although every time i hear it it pulls at my heart strings. then he played one of my all time favorite songs, 'anchor', by satellites and sirens, a song about Jesus being our anchor in a storm (sound below- no video really, just play to listen to the lyrics).at first i didn't get the connection, as he was talking about being pulled out, and the song was talking about being anchored down. as i thought about it further, though, the juxtaposition of Jesus being the one that anchors me down and my Savior that pulls me out of a pit was awe-inspiring.

as i listened to the radio talk, i thought about the miners, and how emotional a rescue would be after being trapped for so many days. brant spoke about how they had formed their own community, found their own patterns and ways of doing things as a group... 'this is my space, this is your space, we take turns doing this, we'll do that together', etc. i immediately pictured men in a dirt hole, sanctioning off their space, and communing in a way that at first seemed foreign. it reminded me of how my elementary school friends and i would play pretend in the dirt at recess. it was like playing house, but with only our imaginations. if i were trapped in a hole, would i be able to play that game again? would i be able to play it for 69 days?

i thought, too, of that book, 'lord of the flies', a fictional story of what humans will do when no one is looking, and all order is thrown to the wind. in this mine, these men were not held to any order, any social rules. and yet, reading reports, they all found roles to play and tasks to accomplish. they played nice for 69 days, and held steady. i can't imagine the emotions that ran through each of them every day- i'm guessing some times were hopeful, some times were desperate. and yet they remained human. hopeful in their cores.

and, they were rescued. many of the miners, once out, were in high spirits and good health, and maintained that they were certain, the whole time, that they would be rescued. hope- they held hope. one even mentioned, 'there weren't 33 of us down there, there were 34. we can't discount the presence of Jesus'. He was their Anchor.

and, they were rescued. they were pulled out of the dark pit they had been living, and pulled back into life. they were given dark sunglasses, to protect their eyes from the bright sunshine that they hadn't seen in 69 days. they had to go up, one at a time, and re-enter life... and i can bet you all the money and cupcakes in the world that each of their perspectives on life are different now, flavored with the isolation and unfathomable situation they had found themselves in. i would guess each of them see life differently now- from the 19 year old to the only bolivean to the 54 year old shift foreman. they were rescued, from the dark, cavernous pit, and brought into the open, fresh light of the world.

that's what Jesus does for us. he pulls us out of this life we were living, gives us bright light and a new perspective, new eyes to see a new world. and that's the beautiful contradiction of our faith: He is our Anchor in our storm, and He is our rescuer from the pit. He holds us down, and He lifts us up. He pulls us out of the darkness, and He keeps us safe from the weather outside, around us.

would i have survived in a dark, humid, collapsed mine for 69 days with 32 other people? me, kaci, alone? no. i would have flipped out and probably gone a litte (lot) postal. kaci + Jesus? yes, i have faith i would have survived that time. maybe not as graciously as the men that actually did, but i know that with His strength, i can do anything. when i look to Him as my Anchor, and my Savior, then i am able.

You said, "the storms that will come will be more than enough, and alone you can not win...without hope you'll only sink, not swim."