(...today i'm possibly BOTH!)
as you may know from yesterday, i'm currently feeling a bit lost. overwhelm is probably the diagnosis, which feels like a foggy anxiety. i feel like i'm juggling too many balls at once and i have this feeling i'm about to drop not just one, but all of them, and it's all going to come crashing down around me. and even though it really is just simple overwhelm (nothing is wrong), the resulting feeling from that is tired and yucky. and in some cases (more often than i'd like to admit), grumpy.
and i hate, more than anything (even speedy windshield wipers on a lazy rainy day), to admit that i am tired and grumpy. not because i'm trying to hide it or deny it, not because i'm trying to get sympathy or make excuses. not because i'm afraid to admit i'm human and i can't do it all (although that is tough!).but those aren't the real reasons it's hard to tell my friends, my blog, and my self, that i'm tired.
the reality is: the reason i don't want to tell you, or anyone, that my life is beginning to drain and annoy me, is because it feels downright selfish.
and that, my friends, is the worst to admit: being selfish. worse yet, knowing i am being selfish (or at least, that my life overwhelm results in selfish thinking). sometimes i feel like i am functioning in a 21st century survival mode: just trying to survive to the next week, when there aren't so many meetings, appointments, friend dates, & to-do's on my calendar. not only does that feel bad (to be looking forward to the impending future & disregarding the present), but it does not leave me the energy to be my best: for my work, for my fiance, for my friends. and that feels horribly selfish and gross.
and in all honesty, they have just as much, if not more, going on than i do!! the kicker is, they aren't being as selfish as i am (or at least that i can see). when i am tired and overwhelmed like i am lately, i start to blame others. i start to nit-pick and pay attention to stupid stuff (for instance: using nonverbal cues and day-to-day, nuanced communication, i make up stories that my friends think i'm horrible & that people are getting tired of me). i stop thinking about what other people have going on (because hello, i do not live in a vacuum and neither do my friends), and then i stop paying attention to them, and start focusing on why their lives don't revolve around me, why they aren't sacrificing to help me. because in this stupid, 7% tired world, people should be thinking of all the things i am going through (my logical brain, which doesn't speak sarcasm, just said, what?! your life is great! you're dumb).
the bottom line is: i feel this way (only 7% of the time, mind you), and i then feel horrible inside. i feel gross; i feel like i'm starting to recognize arrogance, detachment, lack of compassion. and i feel like a pompous jerkface. and who wants to feel that way?
i do not.
and that is why i am writing this: i am hoping that by admitting my selfish thoughts, desires, 'woe is me' attitude out loud, i will hold myself accountable for not being this way. i actually have no idea who, or how many, people read this, so it's not like i am asking you to hold me accountable. it's just going through the exercise of admitting, out loud (or at least in black and white), and owning those thoughts and behaviors, that i am hoping will help rock me back into a lesser percentile of overwhelm.
that being said, i also know that i cannot do anything on my own, and any struggle like this- one of pride, secrecy and self-pity- needs the help of Someone above. My Savior and God, that God incarnate Jesus I confess on a daily basis as my Lord... HE is the one who has saved me, and guess what? He already has saved me: his death, resurrection, and this whole 'grace' thing allow me to be me- tired or not.
so, i know part of my process of overcoming this overwhelm, this 'oh so sad is kaci's life' attitude, is partly a need to confess and own up to it. the other part (the harder part?): i have to open my hands and release the excess of life demands to Him. and this idea here displays one of my favorite ironies of God: when i want something to go my way, i hang on to it desperately, until my knuckles turn white, trying to gain control. and that never works- the tighter i hold, the more stressed out i get. however, if i just freely give my situations and life to the Lord, He will work everything out and He'll exercise better control than i could ever imagine. (think of the irony, and tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor!)
so now i wait, i suppose. see if this admittance to my attitude, and God's graceful hand, will calm my anxious, tired, drained self. let's see if i am more accountable for my thoughts and feelings throughout the day. let's see if i will actually release something to God, and let Him take it off my plate, out of His good graces and love.
and, because God is the God that can do anything, i'm placing my bets on His grace.
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