oh, hello.

(it's me, the author of this blog)

i bet you're thinking that maybe this blog url has expired. or is unattended. or is a trick to get you to read c jane or nienie, or something clever. or maybe you're thinking that the writer of this blog has fallen off the face of the planet, maybe she died a hideous and horrible death in a collapsed building or a fiery plane.

great news: none of that is true.

well... the unattended part is pretty much the closest to true, meaning that while i have been thinking about writing (even coming up with some great mental posts), i haven't actually written. and let's face it: just thinking things doesn't call them into existence or doing (isn't that unfortunate?).

that being said, i'm here.

hi.

since may 23 or so, a lot has happened. it's june 15 today, so it's been three weeks, and i'll be honest, the past two have been essentially horrible, and the first one was leading up to horrible, so... maybe i'll blame my absence on my life. would that satisfy you?

wait. let me back track real quick: the last three weeks have not been all horrible; in fact, i would say that the past three weeks have held some of the best, most amazing things ever (him, for example) while at the same time holding some of the worst, most sad or annoying things ever, as well. in reality, it's been a real roller coaster ride, which i think makes it that much harder to hold on.

holding on.

i think that's a big lesson i've learned lately, this whole idea of holding on, or tenacity. in my head, i'm aware of where i have come from and how i have addressed adverse situations in my past... and honestly, i wasn't good at coping; i didn't hold on, i just gave up. big life things came up, or lots of little life things piled up, and i chose to ignore them and cope in destructive dissociative behaviors (read: anorexia, binge drinking, cutting, what have you) until the issue went away enough (or i went 'away' enough).  in my head now, when i feel adversity coming on, i automatically fear the pavlovian-like response that i'll react by turning my life upside down and become a lost, sad little soul. i also fear that once a hard time hits, i'll never be able to bounce back from it: i fear i'll literally drown in my tears, be swallowed up by my bed, or (more optimistically), lose my job and start working the streets with a cardboard sign.

another lesson i've learned in the past few weeks is that no matter how small or big the problem looks, i am not going to be living it forever. the spotlight eventually pans out to the rest of the stage, illuminating my whole life and allowing me to see that my problem (again, no matter how big or small) is not the main player in My Life: the musical (i like to think that if produced on stage, my life would be a musical, starring jennifer aniston). in the past weeks, i've dealt with problems and they've moved on, and the world hasn't crumbled. actually, if i look at it, it's barely even changed!

and, worth noting: i haven't started drinking or drugging, either. no destructive behavior patterns. instead, i've even gotten so close with my own emotions that i have even cried. multiple times. in front of people.

one of the things that has helped me get through all the hard stuff has been all the good, easy stuff. seriously, life has been tough lately, but it's also been just chock full of blessing after blessing. my most favorite blessing over the past few weeks has been him... he and i, i and him. it's great- we're like two weird peas in a pod, and i just feel like we belong together. and i'm pretty sure he feels the same way too, cause we've even said the L word to each other, and neither of us has run away. other amazing things include my amazing coworkers at both jobs, and their compassion and genuine care for me. i've never felt more appreciated. my job flexibility is also a major blessing, as is the beautiful weather we're having, and realizing my (financial) ability to live without a roomate. seriously, it's been a great month amidst the craziness

these amazing blessings bring me to the most contradictory lesson i've learned lately: big, depressing, hard-to-swallow life changes are almost harder when you are showered with blessings simultaneously. which doesn't seem logical, i'm sure, but these blessings, aligned with my challenges, have created this weird, perfect storm roller coaster of extreme highs and extreme lows. Which, in all honesty, leaves me painfully tired and wornout at the end of the day, just from feeling. i've never felt more tired of just having feelings.

that said, i am grateful. and in awe. and alive in my feelings and emotions. i am fully present in my life, and although it's feels extreme at some points, i am glad to be this way.*

*please note i'd also be glad to have no lows and just live in constant happy. in case you're wondering.