imma be

(finish this sentence 'i never thought i'd...')

i never thought i'd... be one of the girls that i always wanted to be.

it's a lovely, and stunning, realization, to realize i'm exactly where-and who- i want to be.

when i was in elementary school, high schoolers looked pretty old and cool. i couldn't fathom being one of them. i was sure my demise would occur mid-middle school years; perhaps a freak accident or some weird tragedy. oddly, i reached high school age, just like everybody else.

in high school, college age kids were just what i wanted to be: they were old enough to do what they wanted, and they were young enough to still be hip. i couldn't imagine ever really being one of those people, although i was dying to be one of them. again, i was positive my demise was eminent. fortunately, my future-telling skills had yet to be honed.

in college, young adulthood appeared impossible to reach: how was i, kaci lyn, ever going to have it possibly that together?! in my mind, i had now given up the idea that i'd meet my death early, and was now convinced i would, in fact, actually make it to young adulthood; i was just unsure about how successful i would really become. i secretly prayed my mother's spare bedroom would be large enough for my pseudo-adult belongings.

now, in adulthood, i'm planning and prepping my life for the next big change: marriage. two become one. i have found a man that actually knows me, better than i know myself sometimes, and he has chosen me to spend the rest of his life with. and i love him just as much. and now we're planning what i always thought was impossible: a life together, as one. moving into one house, decorating together, planning a wedding, taking of starting a family. it's here.

now, at the ripe ol' age of 30, i realize i've made it past all of the age markers i had anticipated, and am actually what the general population would call an 'adult'. i look around and see things in my life that surprise me, and i sometimes do a second, or third, look at what i've done, and who i've began to become.

i see little, every day things: i sit in a house, that i own, with a dog that i love and have taken care of for over six years. i meet with clients who appreciate me, i spend time with friends that love me, and i love on my fiance every day, and he returns the favor. i pay my bills on time, i buy my own groceries, i take care of myself, everyday.

looking at the bigger picture, i see some of what i've done in the past ten years: moved to LA and put myself through undergrad, graduated on the dean's list and as captain of the women's lacrosse team. i moved back home, by myself, and eventually found a job- a real one, where i have to wear heels and do my hair every day. i earned my master's degree in counseling, and opened my own home-based baking business that is so busy i have to bake in between my therapy clients and real, high-heeled job. i bought my first real car, ran 3 full marathons and a handful of half marathons, and won my age bracket in a 5k run a few times. i took my first trip abroad, alone, and then later traveled to africa to teach children how to sing sunday school songs.

on a deeper level, i've grown from a little girl into a woman: in high school, i was on the outskirts of the in-crowd, never fitting in or finding my place. in college, i realized i still felt out, even when i was 'in'. i began to use my sexuality, drugs and alcohol to find something i was missing: an identity. all i found was repetitive frat parties, an empty LA scene, and heartbreaking trouble. too many hangovers later, i found a man that loved me, and thought i found the answer. a few months later, i realized that no matter how much he loved me, he couldn't help me find myself. i left him, and  began a deep struggle with a darkness that led me into years of severe eating disorders, depression, cutting, and awakened the alcoholic within me. a few years later, i resurfaced, and started living life again. i went back to school, got a 'real' job, dated a few duds and got my heart broken. i kept going, and found people that loved me. i began to love myself, and give to others. i involved myself and stayed out of my own business, letting Him take care of things, big and small, along the way. i just kept going. and now, i'm here.

i've built up a private practice to reach out to those that struggle like i did (and do still, sometimes).  i estranged from my father and now have reconciled with him. i have built a network of real, true friends, and rely on my sisters as genuine support, not just every day family. i've become a 'yes' girl, saying yes to every opportunity once, and i've learned how to say 'no': no, i can't be everything to everyone at every time. i can just be me. and sometimes i need to be me alone, and sometimes being me means i'm not perfect. it's a fabulous freedom i wish i could grant every woman i know.

this is me- my story. i'm no longer this lost girl in a big world. i got clean, started eating and found this God that was there, waiting for me the whole time.

 when i was little, i wanted to be someone like me. i never thought i'd actually be the girl-excuse me, woman- that i always wanted to be.