secret heart.

(...what are you made of?)

my favorite holiday explodes at hobby lobby. YAY!

so last night i spent a lot of time thinking about myself: how i would describe myself, what pictures i have that accurately represent me, what is important to me, the first thing people notice about me...

that's right- i officially filled out a new profile and began my adventure in online dating.

note: i've online dated before with intentions, and to be honest, have been half heartedly 'online curious' for the last year, on and off, but never seriously looking or expecting anything. perhaps i'm trying to trick myself into 'not looking', cause everyone says that's when someone shows up, right? or maybe i'm trying to just mathematically expand my chances of meeting someone- anyone- worth a second date. either way, i'm not getting younger, and it's time to do something about it.

that said, there are a few ground "rules" i have about dating, online or in person...

a of all, i must be pursued. God has created us, as women, to be pursued. i firmly believe this, so the most active i will get on these dating sites is to send 'winks' or 'nudges' or short little lame affirmations to a guy that says, 'hey, i won't reject you if you're interested in me'. i feel for guys- they have a tough job ahead of them, so they need some encouragement or reassurance they are going in the right direction (especially online! they don't even have nonverbal cues to read). and, just because i want to be pursued doesn't mean i need to be passive and do nothing- it's not fair (nor fun) to expect the man to do all the work!

that said, however, i want a man that will be bold enough to know what he wants and go get it- me included. and i know i'm not the only one who thinks that. so, men, if you're reading: take a chance, send an email, get the girl. pursue her, take her out, make her feel special and she will respond. i promise.

b of all the rules: i am honest-on my profile and in communication. it would be easy (and is oh so tempting!) to sound casual, flirty and noncommittal- how i imagine the 'dream girl' would sound. reality is, i know i'm a pretty low-maintenance girl in the grand scheme of life, i'm fun and silly...  and i know what i want. i don't want a man to casually hang out with a few times and call when i'm lonely. i want a man that can evolve into a part of my life- a best friend, a partner. of course, that starts with one casual date that leads to another (we don't have to get married on the first date) and i'd like to take it slow and organically, but i'm not going to wait around for some silly boy to decide if he wants to grow up or not. yes, i want to get married and have kids. does that mean i'll decide if you're marriage material by the end of date #1? no. but it is a motivator to date.

that leads me to c, which is closely related to b: intention. relationally,  i am an intentional girl and don't do much half-heartedly when it comes to people. i don't wear my heart on my sleeve- although i'm an open book when it comes to stories, my emotions are kept close to my chest.  but oh, will i be loyal and put time and energy into you if you win me over. ideally, i want the same from a partner... someone that will intentionally pursue me, take me out, and date me with a purpose. even if that purpose is to just have fun and get to know each other, that's good enough for me. but intention. that's key.

these three words: pursuit, honesty, intentionality- are what have led to me to the idea of being more energetic about dating- online or in person. to be quite honest, i'm lonely. i love my life, love my friends, love everything that's going on- in the friend and family department, i am abundantly blessed. but something is missing. a relationship. someone to share my every day happenings with. and while i know God is planning and scheming away for just the perfect man at just the perfect time, i don't believe in just waiting around for that to happen. and i believe that my desire for a relationship is God-given and is different from the need i have to be relational with God.

a few responses to words of "caution" that always bubble up: yes, i know i am not really old. yes, i know that i have plenty of time. yes, i know that God has a purpose and a timing that is not my own. yes, i know that the right guy will come along, just when i'm not looking. no, i don't need to find myself more in God before i find a relationship. yes, there are single guys at church and if you can get them to ask a girl out, then let's talk! yes, i am content, dare i say, even happy, being single!  yes, i know i don't need a man, and i don't want a man just cause i need one.

and a few words to those with single friends: i am a 'yes' girl. i always say yes once. send those single, Christian men my way :)