Cancer sucks

it's been awhile. hi. hello.

i've been meaning to write (so they all say). no really, i have (come on, be original here). it's just that mom-ing two small humans with minds of their owns takes SO. MUCH. ENERGY.

says every mom in the world.

and all spare energy goes to either trying to lose baby weight or drinking wine. one is not necessarily inclusive of the other, but... oh well.


the reason i'm really back though, is this: my blog is my therapist. sometimes. i mean, i have an actual live therapist (how i love her, dear Bobbie...) but honestly, when i can't make time for her to work, my blog and writing is the most therapeutic thing i can think to do.

why do i need therapy these days? small kids, you guess.
well, sure. that's a great reason to go to a shrink. if nothing else to have an hour without small humans needing you to do something for them, like feed them or wipe their butts.

but it's more than that this time. see, the reality is, my mom- my nearest and dearest friend of a lifetime, my security and safety- well, she has cancer.

and not just cancer. like real live, stage 3c ovarian-not-fucking-around cancer.

and it's so scary.

can i tell you how scary it is? it's like the thought of losing the most important person to you. not just losing, but like, MISSING and NOT HAVING the best person in the whole world there, to hear you cry and laugh, to guide you along, to steer you right, to impart wisdom, and just the freakin' mom of your dreams to hug you. it's as scary as losing all of that in a fell swoop.

and want to know something else? it's not fair. it's just not fucking fair. i'm gonna be honest here- my mom comes from a super f'd up family. and hear me here: i'm a mental health clinician, i have heard of f'd up families and i know everyone is to an extent, but some more so than others. so when i say my mom comes from a super f'd up family, i am not joking around. so when the best thing to come out of her family gets diagnosed with a cancer that has a 39% or so survival rate (and survival means living 5 years here), i tell you, it's not fucking fair.

i'm struggling a little. mostly to wrap my head around all of this. to integrate the story of 'my mom has cancer' into the story of my life. reality is, though, that's a small struggle in the grand scheme of what's going on. my struggle is how do i accept my mom has cancer, and my mom's struggle is, 'how do i accept that i have cancer and am holed up in a hospital for a week missing most of my insides because i have cancer?". if i'm honest, i'd chose my struggle.

and here's the real scoop, folks, listen up: WE HAVE JESUS ON OUR SIDE. and before you poo-poo this idea, let me tell you: HE WINS BATTLES. and that is what we need right now. we have shared mom's news with people, and i have never felt more overwhelmed with love and prayers and text messages and LOVE than i have like now. and i know that's because my mom emulates Jesus, and i know that means we have Jesus behind us. i mean prayer- it's such a cliche but really, talking to the God that created the universe? i am sure He could find some time to help a sister out down here.

and the cool part? he HAS. like, SO MUCH. she has only been out of surgery about 24 hours, and been diagnosed less than three weeks, and she is cancer free in her body, and moving about, and out of the ICU. i mean, AWESOME. she's doing great.

so we have cancer here.
but we have Jesus.

and while it sucks (more than anything i've ever imagined) to accept the former, i also KNOW the latter, so i'm 1000% confident we will be ok.

praise.
the.
lord!