candy on the table.

today i took a large, scary leap of faith.

i essentially offered my full time, well-defined, well-loved job up, and put it on the table for a department restructure. i took all my insecurities with it, and threw them on the table, offering up the honest feeling that someone else- someone specific- could do my job better.

i am not a crier.

i fought serious tears, in front of five people that i love and respect and admire, both professionally and personally, as i offered up my full time, comfortable, predictable, reliable position.

i feel like i just walked myself up to the gallows, neck out, ready to be hung. but it also felt oddly safe, because i knew that my team would take care of me; i also knew that He would take care of me. (i also knew, side note, that i was not quiting, just re-structuring to an essential demotion. let's not get too dramatic, kaci).

i think this lesser position is where the Lord wants me. just last week i felt led to make a gutsy decision at the church to ask for more client hours, and offer up cutting back at kaiser. it's a bit... serendipitous... that one week later the restructure is on the table at kaiser.

this is scary for a few reasons, many of which i will not go into and many of which i am sure you understand. (when has offering your job up NOT been scary?) the point is, logically and mathematically, this shift does not necessarily work in my favor.

great news: God is not mathematical (whew) or logical (so it seems). throughout my master's program and full-time work at kaiser, He kept my schedule, finances and sanity surprisingly balanced- nothing short of a miracle, considering all i had going on. all i had to do was trust Him.

now, i hear Him saying, in quiet, quiet whispers: all you have to do is trust Me. 


 which, in all honesty, surprises me, as i have been feeling so disconnected lately from the Lord. the idea of taking a leap of faith seems impossible: don't i have to be in deep connection with the One in which i am having faith when taking risks?!

apparently not.