why i don't wear leggings.

i have a new friend- she's great!

and skinny.
and beautiful.

and skinny.
and sweet as pie.

and skinny.
i like her a lot. and if we're being honest, i somewhat envy her....

she eats the way i want to eat- the way i think i eat, sometimes.
she hits the gym the way i want to hit the gym- the way i think i hit it, sometimes.
she is kind and gentle, the way i want to be- the way i never think i am, ever.
she seems to embody the sunshine of california, where she came from- the way i wish i felt when i lived in california.

she is who i've wanted to be- who i am, sometimes.

in LA i spent four years in starvation/anxiety/crazyhead mode. it was not pleasant- but i was skinny. and i had attention. i looked like the skinny, fragile lil thing i wanted to be, and felt like i was on in the inside.

in CO, i've spent four years in recovery, in healthy/balancing/don't-go-back-there mode. it's been pretty pleasant: the now-common, inspiring and beautiful highs balance out the weird, not-so-often, blah lows. i'm healthy. i look like the tenacious, strong woman that i am on the inside, and for the most part, that feels good.

what's surprising to me is that  faced with this new friend, i am finding the Strong, Tenacious Woman i became being pushed around by the Tiny, Skinny Lil girl that's still inside me- that i still, somewhere, wish i could be. you would think- or at least i would think- that this lil girl would have been beat down a time or two by the Strong Woman, and would know better than to try to get back up. not so. it's amazing how scrappy those tiny, skinny lil things really are... i thought she had died inside; instead i think she's just been dormant and hasn't had anyone to really come out to play with. and by play, i mean, compete against: Tiny, Skinny Lil Scrappy girl is always competing. she HAS to win. at everything.

however, i want to know this time that God has created me to be so much more. so much more than a body- skinny or fat, small or large, or somewhere in between. i am meant to live for Him, not for me. i am meant to praise Him with my words, and glorify Him with my actions. starving and remaining small, sounding small, fighting others so as to remain small- those actions do not speak to the Almighty God who created me fearfully and wonderfully. there is beauty in being strong, and i forget that.

so the fight continues: Tiny, Skinny Lil girl vs. Strong, Tenacious Woman. let's hope STW realizes that AG is on her side, and with Him, she can do all things- and beat down all tiny, skinny, lil things.

phil 4:13