i believe

i had an admin meeting yesterday. they happen about every two weeks, and it's just six of us- people i work with everyday, people i laugh with and share things with and just thoroughly enjoy on a personal and professional level. however, when i am in these meetings, i become small. i stop trusting my thoughts and contributions and instead, sit and wait. i get a little antsy as the words pile up and i am scribing silly ideas i know in my head won't work. do i say anything? no, i sit back and remain little. i don't know how to find my voice in these meetings, and don't trust what i say to be professional or worthy.

i am a therapist two to three days a week. i counsel lots of women and children- young to old, normal to crazy. i sit alone in a room with self-mutilation, eating disorders, borderline personalities, dysfunctional relationships, broken hearts and ruined marriages. the people that embody these issues sit and look me in the eye, expecting me to know what to say. and i talk to them. i even, dare i say, help them. i don't really know what happens, but they come back, week after week. i don't ever know what to say in this room, alone with these people and their issues, but i trust that what i say is worthy and helpful.

 i am baffled that in one meeting, with colleagues and friends, i am small and afraid. in the other meeting, one on one with real-life, big issues and strangers, i meet my fears head on and speak, even when i'm unsure. what gives?

belief.

sometimes i don't feel a lot of conviction, motivation, or even desire, to follow my beliefs. i can't lie- sometimes it would be easier to just go against what i know i believe and go drink those drinks, date that one guy, or do that stupid thing on a friday night. but somewhere inside, i have this powerful belief that keeps me from those harmful things. being small in an admin meeting, the only person i hurt is myself: i have been told by my coworkers that i could run the company if i wanted to- i just don't believe that. in a therapy session, i have no idea what i am doing, really, i just do what i feel led to do and what feels appropriate. simply put, i just believe in myself.

my beliefs are the same way. many times i don't know what i am doing, at all, i just do what i feel led to do, and what feels appropriate. i follow what is inside me- those ingrained beliefs- and i always end up ok. even better than ok- great, usually. it's uncomfortable, the same way being a therapist with no clue is uncomfortable. but i know it's right. the same way that i have something inside me that is built to connect to others one on one is the same thing that's built inside me to belief- it's the Spirit of the Lord that dwells within me, giving me the power to do what i do not think i know how to do.

romans 7:15-25