and then there were five....

the words ‘thank you’ do not do enough justice to each and every one of you- for saving my life, creating my life, supporting my life.

i've made it this far.

this morning i got out the little box i decoupaged in rehab to keep all my memories of that time- the memories that were, at that time, so important and so vivid and imperative to remember for ever and always. memories that ive forgotten since those days, five years ago, and now need tokens to remind me of. things that are in here include all of my sobriety chips (a 24 hour chip, 30 day, two 60 day chips, a 90 day, 4, 7, 8, 9 month chips, 10, 11 month chips, chips to celebrate 1 year, 2 years, 4 years); a little piece of wood i found in the exact shape of a baby sparrow as i was praying for God to protect me like He does the sparrows; the lighter i used to light the cigarettes i smoked then; a light catcher in the shape of flip-flops to remind me to take it one step at a time; and at the bottom of the box is a picture of a grown woman in a red swimsuit floating in pool, the same way that i would put on my red swimsuit and float in the pool every morning before group.

the box holds a lot of my life from back then things that i would like to remember more often (how hard it was to overcome this period) and things i would like to never remember (the look on my mom’s face when she took me out of parker valley hope). the box contains things that made me who i am, things that shaped who i am now not. these tokens are evidence of a life past lived, a life in transit, a life changing for the better. a life that looks different now, with every day, every month, every year that passes. this life is now nothing i had ever imagined, nothing i had ever hoped for, and now nothing i could ever be without.