what to expect

...when you're expecting. again. 

husband and i are not necessarily known to be slow movers. his enthusiasm and inherent trust in the goodness of the world, combined with my somewhat compulsive, "just do it" attitude, has led us to be a good, but fast-moving match. so it wasn't a surprise to anyone when we got engaged after only 7 months of dating, and then had (what i learned most people consider) a 'quick', 7 month engagement. and it only seemed natural that 7 months after we tied the knot, we decided that we wanted to try our hand at parenting, and i got pregnant.

of course, because pregnancy lasts approximately 9.6 months (which, sidenote soapbox:  i logically round up to 10, and am still baffled about what doctor agreed to trick everyone to thinking we are only pregnant for a mere 9 months? those last weeks are the longest, and might as well be years.... ok, stepping off the soapbox now). anyway, because a full pregnancy lasts longer than 7 months, we broke our 7 month streak, and had to wait a whole 39 weeks for the next big change in our life.

that change was our first born son, whom i lovingly refer to as 'my little monkey head'. he arrived on the scene and changed our lives. and as cliche as it sounds, it was the most amazing, magical, profound, awesome, life change we could have ever have imagined. which i think contributed to us slowing down our need for the next change. i mean, a baby is a lot to get the hang of... amiright?!

however, about 10 months into little monkey head's new little life, we got that familiar itch. that "wouldn't it be fun if..." itch. and us being, well... us... we went ahead and scratched that itch and guess what? baby #2, whom i affectionately call 'G2' is now on it's way.

and with a baby comes a belly. and with a belly comes the awkward, "oh hey. looks like you ate chipotle for lunch. and second lunch. and third lunch. actually, are you just hiding a small horde of burritos inside your shirt? if so, can i have one? i'm starving." so to avoid this shame inducing conversation, i prefer to announce my pregnancy to those that choose to care- or stare at my belly. you know, just so they don't try to get in on any burrito action that me, as a hungry pregnant lady, may have hoarded away for a late morning snack.

so with an announcement comes a reaction. and in my experience, the first go-round reactions were so special. they were so genuine and full of excitement and well-wishes and just authentic happiness that it made me glow from the inside out (sidenote #2: i believe this could be the source of that pregnancy 'glow' they always talk about).

so when it came time to announce #2 was an actual baby and not a burrito, i was naively expecting similar reactions.

however, to my chagrin and actual surprising disappointment, the most common reaction i have received is, "oh congratulations! was it planned?"

now i admit on the surface that sounds relatively harmless; possibly even merely inquisitive. and if it was only a good friend or two asking me this in a deep, one-on-one conversation, i would possibly consider this a reasonable question. but honestly, when a mere acquaintance/coworker/ stander-by asks me this, i am oddly yet truly offended. "was it planned?" feels not only like a nosy dig into my possibly raucous sex life, but it also implies that it is sort of your business... and i can't help but hear judgement about my choice somewhere in the depths of that.

now i get it: well-intended people ask many questions without realizing the possible offensive nature of them- things like, "why are you single? when are you going to get engaged? when are you going to have children? when are you doing to have another kid? what do you do all day without your kids?" can all be innocent yet hurtful questions to someone that is desperately wanting to date, or waiting on engagement, or struggling with infertility, or feeling pressure to have but not actually wanting kids, or finds fulfillment in being a stay-at-home wife/spouse. and, i also know that some pregnancies are actually very unplanned; even the most mature, plan-ahead people have gotten pregnant on accident.

i guess it's not just the question that's offensive (since when did the business of my sex life, family planning-or possible lack thereof-become anyone's personal business?) but it's also the inherent, underlying judgement in assuming that there is some sort of 'right' way and time to do things, and i'm bending the norm. if i'm pregnant again, and i'm asked 'was it planned?', i hear "oh. so you didn't wait long. they are going to be close together- do you know that? you're not supposed to do that. do you know you're crazy? you must not have planned that because sane people don't have children so close in age. yes, that's it. must not be planned."

and i will also readily admit that this question hits on some of my own insecurities, which makes me bristle even more. while i am fine with the fast-moving nature of my husband and me mentioned above, i am also a little scared that we bit off more than we can chew with this new baby. so when you essentially ask me if i 'planned' this ensuing craziness of two young children, i panic inside a little. "did i plan this?now i don't know! was this a horrible idea? did we do this wrong? i have NO IDEA what we are in for! maybe this was a horrible choice and we SHOULD have planned better! oh my gosh this person knows i have NO idea what i am doing. i am a fool! who trusted me to be a grown up?!"

but then i realize that i had no idea what i was doing when my son was born and they sent us home with a new, dependent little human and the expectation that we would keep him alive. nor did i know what i was doing when we decided to 'try' and then i saw the double pink line on a pregnancy test for the first time. or when my husband and i both said "i do" to an eternity together, in front of 160 people. or when i said "yes" when he asked me to be his wife. i was clueless and unplanned in all of those situations. and truth be told, if i had the insight to know what i was in for, i may have just hesitated a little or even said no. and then i'd have missed out on the best part of my whole life! my husband, my marriage, my son- this life that we live together as a clueless, unplanned little family-  is by far the best thing that have ever happened to me, and i can say with absolutely certainty i couldn't have planned it any better.

so here's the moral of my story: when someone asks me if my pregnancy was planned, i'm going to resist kicking them in the shin, and instead confidently say yes. and then i'm going to beat them to the punch and tell them i'm so excited our kids will be close in age. and i'll smile and think about how excited i am for my kids to be amazing together, and i won't have to worry about being judged or doing it wrong. i'll just get to remember how lucky i am to have this life that i'm not planning very well.