sunday fog

today is a snowy, superbowl sunday kind of day. i'm sitting at my mom's house, with a house full of relatives and kids downstairs, laughing and eating and being silly... there are only two holidays that my mom hosts for the whole family: christmas eve and superbowl sunday. yes, superbowl sunday IS a holiday at the peters' household...

anyway. the point is that it's a snowy, gray day, and there is a house of laughter and love downstairs. and i sit upstairs, and can't seem to shake the east bay/san fransisco fog that has rolled into my brain late last night...

pity parties are the worst, because really there is no room for anyone but yourself. i don't want to tell anyone that i'm feeling bad, just in case a) they agree with my pity, which makes me feel even worse or b) they think i'm being silly and tell me to cheer up. either way, there's only room for one here, in the foggy emotions i'm holding onto.

in reality, i'm sure if i shared with someone, i would feel better... the hard part is that i can't put my finger on what is not right; all i know is my heart hurts a little, and when my client texted me to tell me she had a good session, i started crying. out of tenderness for this 13 year old girl, who only wanted someone to listen to her for an hour, talk about nothing but herself, her world... out of sadness because i know i have so many that listen and love and care, and still i feel alone sometimes. out of compassion, because what 13 year old should have to go through what she goes through... out of humility, that she thinks that i am actually helping her, when all i'm doing is trying to listen and be involved with her... out of shock, because i didn't even think our session went very well.

life is funny that way. the fog rolls in out of nowhere, and lingers here and there. old memories, lost in time seem to take shape in this fog, drawing me deeper into it's shadows. i entertain these memories, old familiar feelings that i had forgotten; the more time spent lingering in old feelings, the thicker the fog becomes. i know the easiest way out is just to wait for the fog to lift, until the shapes and faces of feelings fade away and the horizon takes shape again. the problem with waiting, really, is the time: waiting takes time- time to sit in the foggy old feelings, time to just...be... in this uncomfortable, lost, foggy place. however, i know that just as quickly as it comes, the fog can lift. someone once told me, 'time takes time'; i thought it was stupid the first time i heard it, but as i go through these foggy days, i have come to appreciate the real meaning behind time's time.