scaredy cat

my sister sure puts up with a lot... let's take tonight for instance....

rewind to last night at work, brian and i were talking about movies and he brought up 'paranormal activity', a recent horror flick i've vowed never to see. see, i'm the scaredy cat, freaked out girl that will psych myself out just being in the basement and having to walk up the stairs in the dark- if i let my mind wander at ALL, i get scared and have to run up the stairs (yes, i COULD just turn ON the light, but come on...) the point is, i scare very easily. as a kid, i had night terrors all the time, which- to be honest- i don't remember but know scared my parents and must mean that somewhere deep inside i have a lot of fear. i remember when i was young being afraid of the dark, thinking there were gorillas in my closet at night, or robbers in the linen closet waiting to come out to kill me. i was actually almost positive about the robbers, but thank goodness i was wrong.

however, the odd thing is, now that i am older, sometimes i like to see scary movies. sometimes i like to be afraid for a bit and then walk out and know that everything is fine. maybe i secretly like proving to myself that i'm not that scared little kid anymore.

so, when brian started telling me about 'paranormal activity' i thought 'oh i could handle that'... even though i was getting shivers and goosebumps just watching him imitate the last scene and tell me the scary parts. i had seen a preview a while ago, when it first came out, and vowed to NEVER see it. now, a few months later, it doesn't seem as scary.

so today at work, i can't stop thinking about the movie and start realizing that i want to see it. i ask a few people if they want to come, and sister says yes. NOW i'm committed. and, i'm skipping my small group to go see this scary movie. i watch a little of the trailer at work, after telling brian i am now going to go see it. he laughed at me, and threatened to come drag his fingers down my windows later tonight. i laugh and ask him to look up times.

the preview on the computer at work isn't as scary as i remember, but i am also not watching it with any sound on. i leave work, and text my small group leader that i'll be gone tonight. immediately, guilt washes over me- i'm skipping a prized evening of fellowship with women i love to go see a stupid movie about a scary, unseen demon?! tack on the last sermon and our subject of discussion tonight about being a 'real' Christian and not just one that lives their own way, not following Christ, and my guilt... or conviction?... grows.

i get home, make plans with kels. then i ask if she wants to see another movie instead- she says she doesn't care, i have to choose! ahh! putting the decision off on her did NOT work- my guilt would feel much less real if i knew she was really into seeing this movie!

walking the dogs, i hem, i haw about what i should do. all over a stupid movie! blind side or paranormal activity? sandra bullock or scary blair witch-like thing?! i imagine how i'll feel when i come home after seeing it- what a night of being scared will feel like. i don't like it. i'm even getting jumpy at some of the noises we hear in the dark on our walk, and when i get inside my empty house. i know my roommate is gone for the evening, so it will definitely be dark and scary when i get home.

i watch the preview online one more time, completely aware that i am pysching myself out. with sound, the preview is much scarier. but really is it? i mean, i don't know. i text kels the plans- seven thirty, tiffany plaza.

i text her back... are you sure? looks really scary... she says whatever i want to do.

i text her again... no, let's see something else.

i text her again... no, let's see the scary one.

i text her again...

i text her again...

no, i actually only texted her once to change the plans, from scary to feel good. and of course, now that i've committed to the feel good one and writing about how silly i'm being, i'm deciding that maybe the scary one won't be that bad AFTER all.

but then the noises behind me i can't see tell me otherwise.